When Love is Wrong

photo by Stephanie Ramsey

I spent a lot of time this past weekend photographing love. I love, love.  I think it's why I love weddings so very much.  Seeing two people who truly love each other tugs on my heart strings.  The couples behind my camera got me thinking about how life is too short to settle - everyone deserves the chance to REALLY be in love.

People don't want to start over.  Because starting over seems so hard.  But I'm here to tell you, the hardest part about starting over is deciding to do it.  Once you start over, you'll realize you're stronger than you think you are.  More amazing than you thought you were.  That a fresh start is fun, it's exciting, it's freeing.  

It's probably safe to say that most of us have found ourselves in bad relationships.  You get into them slowly but surely and without realizing it.  You get so deep into a hole that you just accept that hole as your reality.  You are so used to living in the dark you don't even know you're there.  You know it doesn't feel good.  It doesn't feel right.  You know that you never imagined THIS is what love was supposed to be.  But you accept it and deny anything is wrong.  Then one day, you look up and see the light - and realize how deep into the hole you are.  And that's when you decide you need a change.  And that is the best decision you'll ever make. 

This video changed my life. Yes - that's Oprah and Iyanla.  If you get time, listen to this 2 minute video.  You WILL NOT regret it.  The words gave me a new perspective.  The video talks about a Maya Angelou quote - "When people show you who they are, believe them." And that hit home.  So many times we make excuses for others.  

-oh he was just in a bad mood

-he's going through a lot right now

-he didn't really mean it

-they just did that because they're young

We justify someone elses behavior to make ourselves feel better about accepting it.  To make ourselves understand how and why someone could treat us so poorly.  

This video also talks about a Bible verse we have all heard a million times.  This verse teaches us EXACTLY what love is.  And if you want to know if you're in a loving relationship - refer to this verse: 

Love is patient - is your spouse patient with you? Can they be annoyed with you but still love you and not lash out?  Are you allowed passes to have grumpy days, or run late, or get out of bed when you feel like it?

Love is kind - do they speak to you in kind words? Think of someone YOU love. How do you speak to them? How do you treat them? Think of a pet, or a child you love.  Does your spouse treat and speak to you kindly and like you are precious to them?

It does not envy or boast - are you celebrated in your successes?  In your every day endeavors?  Is it a contest of who's in charge? Of who is better or worse? Are you belittled or treated with respect and adoration?

It does not dishonor, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs - does your spouse consider you when making decisions?  Do they value you and your relationship and your trust?  Are you put first in the relationship so that in turn you can also put them first?  Can you take care of each other in love and not be easily angered?  Can you argue and not hit below the belt? Do you argue about every single tiny thing?  Are you nervous to tell them about a speeding ticket, or something you broke, or somewhere you are wanting to go out of fear of how easily they are angered?  Is your past held over your head? Something you said last week used against you and twisted to make their point? 

It does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth - does your spouse go out of their way to find something to criticize you about? Do they find your weaknesses and delight in highlighting them? Do they make you out to always be the one who is in the wrong? Is it your fault they called you that name?  Is it your fault they cheated?  If only YOU had been better they would have treated you better?

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves - Do they treat you like someone precious that they want to protect from harm or strife? Do they trust you? Do they hope for your future happiness and success?

You get one life.  Be with the right person. Let your spouse move on and hope that they treat the next person better than they treated you.  Don't punish yourself and make yourself believe you aren't worthy of real love for any reason.  And if your ex seemingly loves someone in the future better than they loved you, know it is not about you.  That you two were not the right fit.  Two puzzle pieces that look like they fit, can very often not.  And trying to force them can make anyone treat the other person poorly.  I promise you - starting over can be so unbelievably worth it.

And finally, to my dearest Robby, I love you.  I love you and I thank you for loving me for who I am.  I love you for celebrating me.  For telling me every day how wonderful I am.  I can not wait to marry you.  I truly hope everyone in this whole wide world gets to experience what it feels like to be really, truly, deeply loved.  

xo-Ava